Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Guinea Pig That Saves Lives


Geneva was walking down the street with Nibbler, her pet guinea pig. Ever since Geneva had gotten Nibbler on her 10th birthday, she had taken her out to get fresh air by walking up and down her street. Nibbler would stick out of her sweatshirt pocket, her long untrimmed fur blowing in the cool October air. Now, Geneva was 17 years old. And everyday for seven years, she had taken Nibbler outside. It had become their own little tradition.
On this one October day, it was particularly quiet on Geneva’s street in Denver, Colorado. Single cars passed one by one every twenty minutes or so. One certain car drove past quickly, definitely over the speed limit. It was a large black van, and in its hurry, it drove through a deep puddle from the previous nights rain, and soaked Geneva through her clothes. She shuddered of the cool water, swearing under her breath, but decided to cut the walk short so she could change her clothes. As she turned around the black vehicle suddenly appeared again, this time traveling slower. Geneva noticed this, and realized that it was following her. She held on to Nibbler and started to walk faster. The van moved faster too.
Geneva broke into a sprint. The van roared to life and continued after her. She shoved Nibbler further into her sweatshirt pocket to save her from falling to the ground. However, the van was definitely faster than her and she was quickly overtaken. A man in a black ski mask jumped out of the back of the van and grabbed both of her arms, tied them with rope, and pushed her into the van. He then tied together her legs with the rest of the rope, so that her ankles were touching her wrists.
Throughout the process, Geneva was screaming at the top of her lungs until she was silenced by the piece of duct tape that was placed over her mouth. Nibbler was staying quietly in her pocket; she was well trained. Geneva was happy about this; she wanted to be able to keep Nibbler. The van then jolted forward, forcing Geneva and the man who took her towards the back. The man got up and cautiously moved to the passenger seat, putting a barrier between him and Geneva. She guessed that they were now taking off their ski masks, attempting to look less suspicious. Geneva considered her options, but came up with nothing.

It seemed like hours later when the van came to a stop. The back door flew open and Geneva was dragged out. She caught a quick glimpse of where they were. She saw a large building with lights on the roof, though none of them were on. They were in what looked like a back parking lot. This was all she saw before she was blindfolded and pushed forward. She heard a door open, and they went through what she assumed was a long hallway, before she heard another door open. Her blindfold was taken off and she was shoved to the ground, the door shut behind her.
Geneva took in her surroundings. She was in an occluded cement room, not even, a closet at best. There was a single blanket on the ground and a sink in the back corner. She walked over to it and set Nibbler in the deep bowl. She put her back against the wall and slid to the floor. What could she possibly do? What did they want with her? Would they annul her? Would she get home?
Suddenly, she heard the latch on the heavy metal door click open. She jumped up and got Nibbler out of the sink, putting her in her pocket again. She was just sitting down again when a small plate with bread ,some lettuce, and an extremely small square block that smelled strongly like albacore was slid in on the floor, followed by a bowl of corn and a glass of water. The door made a loud thud when it was closed. Geneva crawled over to the food and brought it back to her wall. She surveyed it and figured it looked okay, so she slowly started picking at the corn, finding that after not eating since that morning, or the morning before, it all tasted very good. She still didn’t know what she was going to do, but she had hope that someone would abet her.

* * * * *

It had been three months since she had been taken. She knew because they had given her a calendar and a marker to cross off days. She continued to get diurnal food from the door, although she gave some to Nibbler, and she was beginning to become gaunt. They almost never hurt or reprimand her, only occasionally when Geneva would fight back, trying to make them take her home. She had lost the hope she had had when she was first taken. It was vague why they had taken her; they still had explained nothing. She had still come up with no plan to escape or get home. She had to admit, she was thwarted.
One day, she finally got an idea. Nibbler was well trained. She had eaten enough food to not be too feeble. She knew the area around their home, until the next town over. Somehow, she knew what to do if you told her to do it.
So Geneva planned that she would write a note using the marker and a piece of the calendar saying she was in a warehouse place somewhere near in their town. She would put the note through Nibblers collar and send her through the hole in the wall she had found covered up that led to outside. Nibbler would be able to find her way to her house from there. It was a good plan, that is, until Geneva realized that they had driven around for a couple of hours. However, she hoped it was just a trick, to make her obfuscated and think we were farther than they actually were. So she wrote the note and off went Nibbler with instructions from Geneva. She hoped with all her heart that Nibbler would find the way home, and bring someone to save her.

* * * * *

Five days later, Nibbler was still gone, and no sound of rescue came from the hole in the wall. Geneva was starting to get worried, both about Nibbler and if she would ever get out.
She was sleeping when she was awoken to the acute sound of the sirens. All of this clamor was shocking and confusing to her at first, until she registered what was going on. She hurried over to the hole, shouting out that she was in here, to please help her. Then Nibbler rushed through, coming over to her and cuddling against her cool neck. She was so excited; she was about to be emancipated! A mans face was the next thing Geneva saw.
“Don’t worry we’re going to get you out! Do you know how you got to where you are?” This man Geneva guessed was a police officer.
“We went in a door in the back, and then went down a long hallway, and I’m in a room somewhere down there! I was blindfolded though, so I was only –“Geneva cut off her sentence when the latch on the door clicked open, and one of the man came in with a gun in his hand.
“You won’t be getting me caught.” He said as he grabbed her off the floor. Just then, Nibbler ran back out the hole, and the man saw her. "Hey what the - " Geneva took advantage of this opening and bolted out the open door. She ran down the short hallway, taking random turns she hoped were the way out. Over her heavy breathing and her heart pounding, she could hear the man's footsteps behind her, his voice, angry, yelling at her to come back, she'd regret this.
She found a door she thought would lead outside, but it was bolted shut with a heavy piece of metal. She attempted to lift it up, but her weak arms could not handle all that weight. She took some more turns, hoping to lose her follower, which lead her to another door. It was her last hope; it was at a dead end. She ran to it, jiggling the handle, but it was stuck.
"Come on, come on!" She whispered to the door. Just then, the man caught up to her, and at the same moment, the door opened. "Yes!" She ran through, but it was simply another room. She ran across it, but it was just an empty, open room. Nowhere to hide, nowhere to run. The man, being much stronger than her, quickly came into the room.
"You don't have anywhere else to run, sweetheart. Just give up now." He lifted the gun and pulled the trigger. Geneva braced herself for the blow.
It didn't come.
"Crap!" The man was cursing under his breath. He unloaded it quickly to look for the problem.
Please let me get out of here, Geneva thought to herself. Please, somebody come save me.
Suddenly, as if an answer to her thoughts, the door in which they had both come through burst open, police filling the room, surrounding him.
"You are under arrest for the kidnapping of Geneva Scott. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to have an attorney....." As the cop read the man his rights, another came over and guided Geneva out of the building. As she walked out through the door, stepping out into sunlight for the first time in three months, the first people she saw were her mom, her dad, and the guinea pig that saved her life.

8 comments:

rose said...

The conflict of the story was external and it was that she was in a strange place without anyone to get her out. It was resolved by Nibbler going to the next town and getting the police but the bad person killed her before she could get out. It was very interesting because I wanted to see what would happen and if she would get out. I think you could’ve described the limp body more in depth.
The character changes over time because in the beginning she had hope to getting out and in the middle there was no hope. Then at the end, she figured out a plan that would help her escape. Her epiphany was that she had Nibbler who was very intelligent who could help her get out. The story would be different if the character didn’t change because she would just die in the cell without a hope of rescue.
I think my favorite part of the story was when Nibbler came back and cuddled with her at the end. This was in the falling action. “Then Nibbler rushed through, coming over to her and cuddling against her cool neck.” I liked this quote because before she died, she got to see her guinea pig for the last time.
I think the conflict and the resolution was the best even though it was really sad when she died at the end. I really thought the police was going to get her out and the guy would get arrested.
The stories theme is pets are smarted than you think they are. It ‘blooms’ by having Nibbler be the hero and founding the town. He is also smart enough to get the police to help his owner.
I think the main thing that you need to revise is your vocab.

Leona said...

Overall really good story (Nibbler made it amazing)!!!!!!!!!!!
The conflict of the story was that Geneva was kidnapped and no one knew where she was. It was an external problem. It was resolved by Nibbler getting the police but not in time to save Geneva. I really wanted to know if Geneva would get out. It would be more dramatic if for example, the police came in a second too late after Geneva was killed.

Geneva, the main character, goes from being a carefree teenager to being kidnapped and worried about getting killed. Her epiphany is when she thinks of how she could escape. This is important because it means that now there’s now a real chance for Geneva to escape. If there was no change it would be boring.

My favorite part of the story is when Nibbler (the amazingly amazing guinea pig) comes back and goes over to Geneva, because she worked so hard to save her. This is I think the climax. “Nibbler would stick out of her sweatshirt pocket, her long untrimmed fur blowing in the cool October air.” This really shows how much attention you put into detail.

I think that the story’s best quality is the characters. They were really well-developed, likable, and realistic. You showed how much Geneva cares about Nibbler.

I think the theme of the story is a) never give up b) when you care about something they will help you back or c) Nibbler is the most amazing guinea pig IN THE WORLD! You portrayed these by showing all of Geneva’s emotions very well.

The only improvement needed is better diction. (the words from our vocab lists )

Oh and also- Rose, Nibbler is a girl.

Marissa- Nibby says hi.

Jenny said...

The conflict in this story is that Geneva was kidnapped and she can’t escape. This is an external conflict. It was resolved when Nibbler finds the police only to be too late as Geneva gets shot. It would be more dramatic if the police got to Geneva and got her out of the building but then was shot to the ground by the kidnapper when she thought she was going to get away.
The main character changes over time because first she is jut an average teenager then she gets kidnapped and thinks she is going to die. Her epiphany is when she finds a way that she could escape. This change is important because without it the story wouldn’t be any good.
My favorite part of the story is when she thinks she is free. The line I chose was “‘you won’t be getting me caught.” He said calmly as he pulled the trigger, and Geneva fell limply to the ground.” I like the way it ended and I like you word choice.
The tale’s best quality is the resolution. When Nibbler leaves to find help you think that he will get back in time and get her out, but he is just a little to late and it really shocked me.
The story’ theme is never give up hope. When Geneva gets kidnapped and months past she gives up hope but then Nibbler gets help and even though it was to late there was always a chance.
Maybe you could add more descriptive words in you story. Did you use 14 vocabulary words?... Really good story though!

rose said...

hey marissa i can't build up the tention because i already have over a thousand words.

Marissa said...

AUTHOR'S NOTES

1)The theme or message I am trying to show in my story is that you should always have hope, even when something ends badly. If Geneva had just given up, she probably just would have killed herself in the beginning.

2)Something that worked well in this story was when I was writing the ending. It came easily to me and I enjoyed writing it. Well not the part about her dying, right before that, when she was almost rescued. I want the reader to think that she is going to get out, and then say oh, she didn't.

3)It was hard to write about her idea to get out. I wasn't quite sure if it was believable or not, with the calendar and Nibbler being so amazingly skilled.

4)I want to know if the whole story is believable or if it doesn't make any sense.

Marissa said...

VOCABULARY

1)Obfuscate - to confuse or obsquir
This is used to show how Geneva thinks they just drove for so long to confuse her.

2)Abet - to assist and encourage
This is used to show how Geneva wanted someone to help her.

3)Diurnal - daily
This is used to describe how Geneva gets food everyday.

4)Vague - unclear
This is used to show how Geneva doesn't really know where she is because she was blindfolded.

5)Reprimand - to scold
This is used to show how her kidnappers rarely yelled at her.

6)Feeble - very weak
This is used to show that Nibbler had eaten enough to not be too weak.

7)Occlude - to close up or block off; to hide or conceal
This is used to show how Geneva was concealed in a room.

8)Acute - sharp
This is used to describe the sound of the sirens that came to get Geneva.

9)Clamor - loud noise
This was also used to describe the sound of the sirens.

10)Emancipate - free
This was used to show how Geneva thought she was finally going to be free.

11)Gaunt - extremely skinny
This was used to show how Geneva was starting to get skinny from lack of food.

12)Albacore - a large tuna
This was used to show what was on the plate that Geneva got to eat.

13)Annul - destroy or neutralize
This was used to show Geneva's fears that they would kill her.

14)Thwart - to confuse or to frustrate
This was used to show how Geneva was frustrated and confused because she didn't have a plan to get out.

Marissa said...

1)The biggest change from my original story to my final story was the ending. In the first draft, Geneva was killed by the man, but now, she survived and he was arrested.

2)The blog comments were more helpful because although we had guidelines, whoever was commenting could still add things that they thought needed to be addressed.

3)I think my stories greatest strength was my use of detail. I think I used enough so that the reader could tell what was going on and not get bored, but not so much that it seemed I was only describing stuff.

4)Advice I would give next year's students would be that for the vocab, to write the story first and add vocab later instead of worrying that you need to base your whole story around the vocab.

Leona said...

hey marissa it is so much more fabulous then it was before!

nibbler is amazing!! she says hi!

me gusta!